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BRANDON MULLER: THE BIOGRAPHY
FADE IN:
INT. DELIVERY ROOM - OCT. 1973 - MORNING
DOCTOR TARR, his assistants, and WILLIAM MULLER
watch as a very pregnant EILEEN MULLER pushes with
all her might.
DOCTOR TARR
Push! C’mon, push! Hurry!
A set of golf clubs sits by the door.
DOCTOR TARR
Oh, forget it. Scalpel, please.
TIME LAPSE SEQUENCE showing BRANDON MULLER growing
up in the desert town of Hesperia, California with
his parents and older sister, JENNIFER. An idyllic
existence until:
INT. NBC HEADQUARTERS - AUGUST 1983 - DAY
NBC EXECUTIVE #1
What should we name Punky Brewster’s dog?
NBC EXECUTIVE #2
How about Brandon? Who cares if there’s
a kid actually named Brandon who’ll
be subject to endless taunting on the
playground because he shares his name
with a popular TV canine?
NBC EXECUTIVE #1
Sounds good to me. By the way,
congratulations. I hear "Manimal" is
testing through the roof!
INT. MULLER’S HOME - EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE ‘80s.
Brandon plays with his plastic toy TRANSFORMERS,
providing the "chi-che-cha-chu-cha-che"
transforming sound himself.
INT. GYMNASIUM IN HESPERIA - APRIL 1990 - NIGHT
During an awards ceremony for junior varsity
basketball, COACH JEFF SMITH walks down the line of
players, describing the basketball ability of each.
COACH SMITH
Chris Leontas. This guy has a great post
game. Good footwork.
He moves on to the next player.
COACH SMITH (CONT’D)
Matt Wilkerson. Tough competitor. Great
hustle. Always dives for the loose ball.
Coach comes to the 12th and final member of the
team.
COACH SMITH (CONT’D)
Brandon Muller.
(long uncomfortable pause)
Boy, can this guy tell some stories!
TIME LAPSE SEQUENCE of different colored tassels
hanging from a rear view mirror representing
graduation from high school, community college, and
a 4-year community college (UNLV).
INT. THE MULLER'S HOME - SUMMER 1995 - DAY
WILLIAM
You have a degree and yet you still live
at home. When are you gonna grow up?
BRANDON
chi-che-cha-chu-cha-che
WILLIAM
Put down that stupid robot truck.
BRANDON
Consider this the break from school I
never took. It’s not like my degree comes
with an expiration date on it.
FAST FORWARD TO:
INT. FANCY ADVERTISING AGENCY - SUMMER 1997 - DAY
INTERVIEWER
We only hire people straight out of
college.
QUICK IMAGE OF:
An INSCRIPTION on a TOMBSTONE: "BA IN
COMMUNICATIONS. 1995-1995."
BRANDON
(weeping)
Oh, my Bachelor of Arts. I hardly knew ye.
INT. GARAGE IN VEGAS - FALL 1997 - DAY
Brandon beats unrhythmically on a drum kit. JESSE
WINSLOW makes sweet guitar solo love on his axe.
No one else is in the room.
BRANDON
We’re going to be the biggest band ever!
JESSE
We’ll be more popular than John Lennon!
In the corner sits a lonely microphone stand.
CUT TO:
A sixteen day MONTAGE of the 1,849 wannabe singers
"Metal Janitors" auditioned.
INT. GARAGE - JANUARY 2000 - DAY
BRANDON
We’re going to be the biggest band ever!
In the corner sits a lonely microphone stand.
No one else is in the room.
BRANDON (CONT’D)
Oh, pooty butts.
Brandon flubs a rim shot attempt.
INT. COFFEE SHOP IN LAS VEGAS - MARCH 2000 - NIGHT
Brandon’s first improv troupe "The Impros" performs
for ten people.
BRANDON
May I have a suggestion of a job?
MALE IN AUDIENCE
Porn Star!
FEMALE IN AUDIENCE
Gynecologist!
INT. DIFFERENT COFFEE SHOP - JUNE 2001 - NIGHT
Brandon’s 2nd improv troupe "The Spaghetti Bowl"
performs for less than ten people.
BRANDON
What’s something that’s in your garage?
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY
Porn Star!
OLD LADY IN THE AUDIENCE
Gynecologist!
INT. SAME DIFFERENT COFFEE SHOP - AUG. 2002 - NIGHT
Brandon’s 12th improv troupe "No Apologies"
outnumbers the audience.
BRANDON
I need a non-sexual suggestion, please.
HOMELESS MAN
A non-sexual Porn Star meets a
Gynecologist!
INT. BOURBON STREET HOTEL - MAY 2003 - NIGHT
Brandon’s quadrillionth improv troupe "Mandatory
Friends" makes the big time! Inside an actual
hotel/casino just off the fabulous Las Vegas Strip!
BRANDON
Can we get any suggestion at all?
Empty showroom. A slot machine chirps.
BRANDON (CONT’D)
OK, we’ll go with Porn Gynecologist Star.
INT. BRANDON’S BEDROOM - DECEMBER 2003 - NIGHT
Brandon stands in front of a mirror holding a beard
trimmer as if it is a microphone.
BRANDON
So...uh...what’s up with people’s
biographies these days? They sure
are long, huh?
He acknowledges and enjoys the imaginary laughter.
BRANDON (CONT’D)
So, who here hates Punky Brewster?
INT. GREEK ISLES HOTEL/CASINO - MAY 2004 - NIGHT
Brandon debuts at "Sandy Hackett’s Comedy Club."
SANDY HACKETT
Please welcome, Brandon Muller!
Polite applause.
BRANDON
So...um...heh...uh...
(shuffles his feet)
MALE IN AUDIENCE
Tell a joke already.
Brandon wipes his brow and clears his throat.
PORN STAR
Get off the stage!
BRANDON
Uh...I...um...
WILLIAM MULLER
Too bad you killed off your degree!
Brandon squints to see into the crowd.
COACH SMITH
This is more awkward than watching you
shoot a left hand layup.
DOCTOR TARR
Hurry up!
GYNECOLOGIST
What’s in his hands?
BRANDON
chi-che-cha-chu-cha-che
The audience roars with approval, confetti falls,
exotic women fawn, the Dow Jones rises, hungry
children eat, Israelis and Palestinians hug, Santa
Claus exists, and the Universe itself chortles and
slaps its knee.
FADE OUT.
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